Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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