one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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