If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
