True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
