Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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