Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
