I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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