So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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