i may or may not be watching the land before time
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
