My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
