Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
