I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
