New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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