the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
