the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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