Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
