why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
