I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my poor anus
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
