Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize