i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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