This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
