Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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