I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
