the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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