A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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