You just made me feel so damn special
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
