im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We need to get me chipped asap
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
