new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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