I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
