I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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