My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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