PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
