Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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