Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
