fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
