I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
