I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
