I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
