Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Still dying that you shit outside
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
