I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
