I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
