I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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