i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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