she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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