so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
