remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
