Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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