Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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