i'm signing you up for texting rehab
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
