I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
