You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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