When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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