I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
