HIV tests are more positive than that guy
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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