ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
