You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
