i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
